i had these feeling of peace inside me whenever i see one of those Japanese maple tree. it has this vibrant color which reminds me of energy, vigor and enthusiasm. i found my strength from the maple tree..quiet disturb?
Januay 10, 2008.
i checked the time again (for the nth time) through my mobile phone. “11:30pm.. Okay sleep now! next day will be the 11th (of course!)” I’ve been staring at the ceiling for hours. rolling from side to side. I’m having what-ifs on my mind.
“what if my name’s not on the list?”
“what if i failed the exam?”
“what will happen after that?”
i’m having this negative thoughts crossing my mind the whole day! thinking about my exam result.
“tomorrow will be the judgement day!” i’ve always been seeking God for comfort and guidance. Asking him for signs in my dreams like He always do. God talks to me in my dreams. but this past few days, i’ve been trying to figure out what my dreams were.
“Did I dream last night?”
“Lord, is there something You want to tell me?”. But there are no clues, no clear images from my dreams. Well, I didn’t sleep well like the night before the day of my exam. I having a hard time catching sleep. i even played music on the background to soothe me, but it didn’t work this time.
January 11, 2008.
I woke up before the alarm beeps up. I’m planning to go upstairs and have some breakfast. Yet, my body was telling me you need more sleep. So..I doze off to sleep. Then, I woke up before lunch time. So I went upstairs and had my lunch when my Auntie smiling then asked me “Did you see the result? Did you passed?” I thought, yeah, this might be the sign! So i went downstairs, open my computer and ran through the site to check if my name is on the list who passed for the board. i was so excited and check two websites, which by the way within 72 hours update the list of qualified nurses. You could see the results instantly! I search for my name. I even checked it twice. Third time. Fourth..
No name. There’s someone with the same surname as mine though. But no, not within the state. Not my name either. Zero search results.
I can’t believe this! This can’t be! There must be something wrong! Why my name is not on the list!
These are the words that kept on nagging at me. Oh no, I can’t fail!!
I just sit there and check the site again. But still no sign of my name. Then I felt the stabbed of pain within me. “Lord, did I fail? Did I really fail?”
My dad walk to my room and ask me “How was it?” “I failed. I didn’t..passed the test.” Silence.
I wanna cry right there on the table. I can’t believe this is happening. My Aunt even offered to check again on her computer to see if I just miss something. No! I cant miss anything, I can’t miss anything on this! This is so important! But we still checked but still there’s no sign. We even checked the names of my other classmates who already passed, to see if they’ll appear on the screen.
I felt the chilled water ran through me. I can’t say anything. I’m having this thoughts. My mind went black. “What will happen now? Still can’t believe this!”.
That day. All the people who cared about ask me how was I. Did I passed? I said No. “No I didn’t passed.”
I talked to my siblings living too far within my reach. From east to west. Then when I talked to them I couldn’t contain my feelings anymore. I burst into tears and tell them how I feel. I feel the pressure came out from me. I told them thoughts I’ve been wanting to say out loud! How hopeless and hurt I am. That after all these I’m still no good. I didn’t passed the test.
They all knew the pressures I’ve went through out my review. My life far from their comfort and love. That prayer is the only way to get close to them. That Prayer is the only key to my loneliness. The Prayer and my faith is the only thing I’ve been holding. I want to stay on the grip. Oh, how I want to stay on His grip! But why is it I had this feeling that my hands are slipping? That anytime I’ll fall. And I can’t see God from my side? That I felt too far from Him?
I’m still crying right now. My heart yearns for His comfort and I’ve been asking for His comfort and let me see things clearly. I know I have to focus. See things in a positive way. But this feeling of pain. This hurt is like a hindrance. I can’t think straight. I know I shouldn’t lose hope. But I’m still hurting inside.
God has been faithful in my life. He’s been so faithful that right now I can’t understand why He said No. Did He say NO or what He mean is WAIT?
I’ve been reading the upwords of Max Lucado online. Checking to see words for comfort. Then there’s this title that caught my eye. “How Hurt Brings Hope”. Exactly what I need.
I haven’t read the 24 pages of the devotion.But I know God wants me to know He never left. That everything will be okay. That I have to put my burden and fully trust on Him. But I can’t..I can’t avoid feeling so hurt. There were lots of questions that I wanna ask Him. “Why is this happening to me? Why is it so painful? Why I didn’t passed the test?”
I know in time it’ll heal. The pain will heal. In time. But Lord, help me through this. Let me feel again that You didn’t leave me. Help me understand. Help me understand why certain things happen. Make these people around me to be more of an encourager. That’s what I needed most. Lord, help me understand.
